It All Makes Sense Now: My Path to Autistic Self-Acceptance

This is a guest blog written by Jac Lai, an autistic woman and parent with lived experience, as part of our Yellow Ladybugs Mentoring Series. In this heartfelt and honest reflection, Jac shares what it’s like to receive an autism diagnosis later in life—and how that moment of clarity unlocked a journey of self-discovery, unmasking, and gentle transformation.

Jac takes us through the process of understanding her brain for the first time: learning to recognise her needs, rebuild her self-worth, and slowly reconnect with the things that once brought her joy. She shares how self-knowledge has made her a more present parent, partner, and advocate—and how unlearning shame and perfectionism is an ongoing, but worthwhile, process.

Her story is both a validation and a roadmap for other autistic adults reclaiming their identity in adulthood. With warmth and insight, she also offers practical guidance for raising self-aware, self-advocating autistic children in a world that still misunderstands them.

Readers will take away:

• A powerful reflection on reclaiming self-worth after years of masking and misattunement
• The emotional and practical shifts that come with understanding your autistic identity later in life
• Real-life insights on boundary setting, self-compassion, and sensory regulation
• Affirming and concrete strategies to support self-advocacy in autistic children
• Encouragement to lead with curiosity, compassion, and a deep respect for neurodivergent ways of being

My name is Jac Lai, and I am an autistic woman and very close to 40! I am a proud Mumma bear of neurodivergent humans and fur babies. I have a wonderful partner and work in supporting neurodivergent youth and their families. I feel extremely honoured to have been chosen to be part of this mentor series.

Understanding the brain

I spent most of my life feeling like I was part of an unknown, guessing game – not truly understanding how to navigate the world. Being an imposter was the role I felt I played, and there were few places I felt truly safe to be myself. It is hard to unlearn a lifetime of wearing multiple masks, segmenting life into separate parts; work, school, home to survive. In contrast, I somehow managed to navigate high school, graduate university and move to another country. I found that I did possess the strength, grit and determination to keep going, as well as to give things my best go (though most of the time, I didn’t feel this way at all).

My journey of losing the mask involved unwrapping the many layers wound around my true brain. Slowing removing the many masks I wore, took time, research, support plus plenty of emotional energy – all of which uncovered the true me. Understanding my brain has helped me become a better parent, friend, partner, and build a better relationship with myself. By understanding how I think, communicate, learn, find joy and thus make sense of the world, I can better articulate all of this to others and thus determine what I want in life.

I can now explain more accurately how my brain works, without having to guess ‘why’ all the time. I understand the autistic part and relish in its need for predictability and routines. I accept I need time to regain my energy, especially after social events. I can read the signs my brain provides, when overwhelm slowly begins to creep in. I can process the highly levels of empathy I possess and utilise it in my work and personal life. All these things make me who I am and provide me with a unique view of the world. All the unmasking, all the newly acquired knowledge, all this information can be used to build and protect my family.

Reclaiming one’s worth later in life

Reclaiming my self-worth at 36, encompassed so many things. It was an incredible moment of clarity and validation. The relief was overwhelming after many years of doubt and feeling like an imposter, I finally had the answers for why it was so difficult for me in my early life, I didn’t know where to initially begin in determining who I was at my core. I had masked for so long. The things I really did enjoy doing in my youth felt like a distant memory.

I started small, focusing on what I really valued about myself, identifying kindness, hope, curiosity, learning and love. They might seem like simple values, but everything I had ever really done, the choices I had made, the people that did surround me; all possessed at least one or more of these values. I started to recall the things that had once brought me joy - crafting, reading for pleasure, walking in nature, journalling, re-watching the same show, colouring in; all of these I slowly started to prioritise.

Boundaries were the next thing I identified were essential. I am still building this skill across many facets of my life, but I can say that when you have nothing left in the tank, for anyone, and you are truly facing absolute exhaustion and mental breakdown, you must learn to build slowly back up by enforcing boundaries, to protect yourself. It is not easy to do, and I still have a long way to go, but start small, even if it is boundaries within yourself to start. Go to bed one hour earlier, read for one hour longer; starting with small changes, allows you to build towards bigger ones.

Self-Advocacy: How to develop in children

Knowledge, curiosity and the willingness to let others’ expectations and even your own considerations of what you think you should be doing, saying or thinking – let it all go. This is what I have found allows you to begin to build the confidence and determination you need to advocate for your child. It takes patience, practice and letting go.

As for instilling the skills needed, for supporting the development of autistic youth, the following tools/strategies can begin to do this, regardless of the context:

• Validate emotions and provide support for the young person in how to feel, process and use their emotions in safe and supported ways.
• Provide knowledge of their unique brain – discuss, explore and research together to build this knowledge throughout their development, because things constantly change, and people grow.
• Clarify how they learn, construct understanding and comprehend the world around them and foster this as much as you can.
• Identify what tools are needed to create sensory safety and communication accessibility.
• Build the youth’s knowledge of self, both in their autistic identity but also community identity. Support them in trying and joining clubs linked to their interests, and assist them in navigating the demands of the social world.
• Normalise the way they communicate and make friends. Model, play and explore social situations in different ways, building their fluency in how to effectively communicate in their own unique way.
• Surround them with love, compassion and understanding. Be there as much as you can, through all the moments.
• Accept them, as they truly are. Build their confidence and allow them to fail, even if it is challenging to be there through it.
• Model, model, model self-acceptance of yourself. Acknowledge your own faults and mistakes and provide a predictable and safe place as much as you are able.

Takeaway

I leave you with this. You are who you are, regardless of where you are in your journey. Learn, take in knowledge and remain curious. Things are hard, the world is not designed for the many versions of the autistic brain. Learn how you communicate, learn about your brain and the world can make a little more sense, with your self-worth still intact. Lastly, surround yourself with people who lift you, support you and love you for all parts of you.

Warm wishes,

Jac